Friday, January 21, 2011

Moron Report #45: Like Cocaine, Like Ashes

I am not a connoisseur of cocaine.  Yes, I am from the '80s.  Yes, I remember Miami Vice.  Yes, I actually knew people who tried coke, but there is just something about snorting a drug that does not appeal to me--with apologies to the nostrils of Hollywood.  That said, from what little I do know of cocaine, and of peoples' ashes, I just assumed that the average joe or jane (even the sobriety-challenged) could tell the difference between cocaine and human ashes--namely, cocaine tends to be white and ashes a grayish color and usually inside of an urn.  Of course, I would be wrong, at least for these five teenagers.  Apparently, the urn did not trick them, and to show it they snorted someone's dead husband and dogs.

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Teen Thieves Snorted Cremated Remains

Crooks mistook ashes of man, dogs for coke


JANUARY 19--Mistaking the cremated remains of a man and two dogs for powdered drugs, a quintet of teenage burglars snorted the ashes after a break-in last month at a Florida residence, according to police.

That startling disclosure is contained in a Marion County Sheriff’s Office report, a copy of which you’ll find here. The January 18 report memorializes information received from a source--who appears to be one of the arrestees--who told deputies that the ashes “had been taken because the suspects mistook it for either cocaine or heroin.”
Investigators learned from the source, whose name was redacted from the report, that the teen suspects “had snorted the ashes believing they were snorting cocaine.” At some point, however, the alleged burglars determined that the powdered substances were not drugs, but that they had stolen “the remains from the dogs and the victims father.”
This realization apparently came after news reports about the December 15 burglary of Holli Tencza’s home mentioned that intruders took her father’s ashes from a closet, while the remains of her two Great Danes were removed from a shelf in her bedroom. A sheriff’s report on the burglary listed electronics and jewelry taken during the theft, and noted that, “Also taken from her bedroom were her father’s ashes and those of her two dogs.”
The sheriff’s source reported that there was a “possibility” that the purloined ashes were in the attic of Waldo Soroa, 19, one of the suspects charged with the burglary. The source added that the thieves “wanted to return them to the owner but were discouraged” by a man “because of fingerprints.” A sheriff's spokesman said today that detectives are still searching for the ashes.
Along with Soroa (who is pictured in the above mug shot), cops arrested Jose Diaz Marrero, 19; Matrix Andaluz, 18; and two 17-year-olds on an assortment of criminal charges.
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For all of those American commentators and pundits expressing outrage over the Chinese ownership of our debt, in light of President Hu Jintao's visit to the US this week, you should not be so angry.  Indeed, you should be cheering them on.  Can you honestly say a country populated with fools like this should be determining the lives of people from Iraq and Afghanistan?

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